Rant: It's all about the food....

I like to cook…but I am not a chef.  “Chef” is a term that is bandied about too freely, a label that is used by far too many people, even those that appear on (gasp!!) THE FOOD NETWORK™. 

There, I said it. 

There are less real chefs out there than what people think. And it is not a put-down.  There is nothing wrong with being a good cook.  Think about the best meal you shared in someone’s home.  Any number of things may have contributed to your memories.  It may been the ingredients, the care in which they were prepared, the presentation of the dish, or the company in which it was enjoyed.  Without hesitation, I will guarantee the person who made it is not a chef.  Your grandma may make the greatest lasagna, your cousin may smoke a mean rack of ribs, and you may make a great plate of nachos, but that does not make any of you a “Chef.”  Does grandma know her basic sauces?  Does your cousin know how to properly fillet and prepare a dozen types of fish?  Can you properly cook a steak or chicken without having to cut into it to see if it is done?  If you answered no to any of these, you are not a “Chef.” (FYI:  I don’t know any of that crap either.  That’s why I am not a chef.)  BTW, if you mix your salt and pepper together to make it easier when cooking, you definitely are not a chef, and may not even qualify to be called a “cook.”

While I am on a rant, I am not a “Foodie.”  What seemed to be an innocent enough term a few years ago now evokes less-than-positive emotions in me.  You see, “Foodie” has become “Douche-y.”  Want an example?  On the local PBS station, they have a show where three “ordinary” folks (“Foodies”)  each pick their favorite local restaurant, dine separately, and then discuss their respective experiences. 

I have seen restaurants receive criticism for the following B.S.: 

Parking; portions are too big; portions too small; music too loud; wait staff too attentive; wait staff not attentive enough; atmosphere;  ambience;  décor;  too many locals;  not enough locals;  not authentic;  too authentic; waited for food; food came out too soon, etc.  

Conversely, I have seen restaurants receive high marks for the following B.S.: 

Parking; portions are too big; portions too small; music in background; wait staff too attentive; wait staff not attentive enough; atmosphere;  ambience;  décor;  too many locals;  not enough locals;  not authentic;  too authentic; waited for food;  food came out too soon, etc, etc, blah, blah, etc...

WHEN DID WE LOSE SIGHT OF THE FOOD? 

Too often, the level of pretentiousness in blogs, TV, and articles obscure the most important questions:  Does it taste good? What are the ingredients?  Is it fresh?  How is it made?   The food does not taste better because the bed of  “micro greens” came from an organic sustainable farm run by blind refugee Himalayan Monks, or that they were fertilized with free-range-hormone-free chicken poop from the same chicken ranch that Thomas Keller (a REAL CHEF and owner of the French Laundry in Yountville) obtains his fowl, or because no dolphins or whales were harmed during the harvest.  These facts don’t make the dish tastier.  (If you haven’t figured it out yet,  I don’t give a rat’s ass about micro greens.  For the record, my favorite salad is the one they give you for FREE with the steak and baked potato.  In my mind, no salad is worth $10.  Just tell the waiter to hold the salad and credit you back a few bucks the next time you order a steak. In fact, call me collect and let me know how well that goes over at House of Prime Rib).

Case in point; here are two great meals.  Great for completely different reasons:

This is a representative of the seared Ahi you can get at Emeril’s New Orleans Fish House, located in the MGM Casino in Las Vegas. 

I have enjoyed the tasting menu, and this two-bite fish portion cost represented about $15 worth of the five-course, $75 dinner.  Did it taste great?  You betcha it did.  The overall meal was tasty.  The wait staff were extremely professional.  There is a two story wine rack in the place.  There was great romantic mood lighting (which DID NOT make me desire in any-which-way-or-form my three dining companions, Rob, Matt, and Bruce).  

The experience was sublime.   

The fact that a well known Food Network star had his name on the place did not make it better.  I was actually skeptical at first, as I expected there to be a big animated crawdad out front of the restaurant, wearing a chef’s hat and yelling “BAM” every 30 seconds.   If there were micro greens anywhere on the menu, it did not matter who picked them because it was not about the self-congratulatory list of sustainable ingredients, or the celebrity name, or the actual chef in the kitchen.  IT WAS ABOUT THE FOOD!

This is what I had for dinner on Sunday night, January 21, 2013:

Chicken, cooked over mesquite wood on the small grill with some garlic and lemon pepper; small purple and fingerling potatoes drizzled with olive oil and tossed with black pepper and salt before roasting; and a Fosters.

On that Sunday night, it was the perfect meal.   The chicken was Foster Farms, $ .99 a pound at Safeway.  Grand total, with beer, was about $10 bucks. And we had leftovers.  Did it really matter that it wasn’t  “All-Natural Poulet Rouge” from Niman Ranch.  No shit, here’s what their website says:

Our line Epicure Reserve(tm) poultry is patterned after the award winning Label Rouge (Red Label) program in France, responding to increased demand for humanely and traditionally-raised farm poultry. The Label Rouge program is the gold standard for naturally raised, premium products. We are proud to bring this delicious poultry to our customers.  While the parent stock for our Niman Ranch Epicure Reserve birds is imported from France to ensure the exact genetics, all of our birds are born and grown in the continental U.S. [using] Traditional Old-World Farming Techniques.

Get ready for this one:  $40 and change for a 3 pound bird (OK, about $15 is shipping). 

I want to meet the person who spends over $13.00 a pound for chicken.  Uncooked.  And as for fresh…it takes a few days to have it shipped to you.  Just like the Foster Farms bird from Safeway.

And speaking of Thomas Keller, the aforementioned Demigod-Chef, who runs two Michelin three-star restaurants (the aforementioned French Laundry, and Bouchon)…What everybody orders at Bouchon, his café-bistro, are the fries. I have had them, and they are good.  In the Bouchon cookbook, a glossy photo accompanies the recipe.  There are many changes of water to remove the starch before the first cooking, and the usual twice-fried technique. His oil temperatures are a straight-forward 325°F and then 375°F. Just peanut oil and russet potatoes, tossed with kosher salt at the end. It is not a revelation of any special technique or ingredients. Most any source would agree with those cooking temperatures, which makes one wonder how much better fries can really be if they are all cooked more or less the same way. What really makes his fries so good? It must be the potatoes themselves.

Well, a while ago, a tipster told New York magazine that he used FROZEN FRIGGIN’ POTATOES.  It was then confirmed by a rep at Bouchon: Keller DOES use frozen French fries, possibly from Sysco, the largest food-supply company in North America.  Their reasoning?  (1) Consistency of the frozen product; and (2) they use over 200 lbs. of fries daily.  Oh, by the way, Sysco only has one type of French fry.  The same kind you get at your local diner (just look for the Sysco truck by the back door). 

First stop is the Mall...next stop,Yountville!

 And how much does he charge for these frozen fries?  On his menu, under LES  ACCOMPAGNEMENTS, he lists Pommes Frites for $7.00.  He also has the cojones to offer Purée de Pommes de Terre for $6.50.  To us non-foodies, it’s MASHED POTATOES.  WTF??

At this rate, his Purée de Pommes de Terre is probably straight from the box.-

Next thing you know, they’ll be telling me that there is no milk in Milk Duds, or no grapes in Grapenuts.